it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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