She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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