I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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