is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
