He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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