Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
