I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
