Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Randomize
