I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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