first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Randomize
