I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Randomize
