P.S. I can't hear my feet
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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