I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm like, not good at living.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
