Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Randomize
