my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
