Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
