Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
