I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
