Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
