I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
my phone needs a breathalizer
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
