The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
