My Higher Power is John Stamos
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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