Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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