I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
