I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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