Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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