I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
