I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
