i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
