Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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