Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
