I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
