Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize