mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
