Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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