I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
