Fine. I'll sleep in my office
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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