I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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