Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
