its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
