i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
