Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
