if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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