whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
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