I wish my penis had an off switch
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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