So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
