i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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