the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
