i wish there were pregnant emoticons
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
