I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
