i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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