Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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