so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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