so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
